Go Forth and Multiply, I Demand it!

A quick disclaimer: this is not a mommy blog.  Nor is it a single ladies empowerment blog, or an anything blog, really.  I imagine this is because I’m horribly uncreative and have issues with sticking with things (like a blog theme) for any specific amount of time.

If it had any theme it could probably be boiled down to “random thoughts upon the observances of shifting culture and everyday life” which sounds both much more long winded yet paradoxically concise than “I’m just posting what I feel like for the hell of it”.

(Hopefully that was the correct use of the word paradox; I always use it but never seem to be able to use it correctly, though I think I am…you’d think I’d know given the whole English degree thing.)

Regardless what these ramblings are about or not about, today we discuss motherhood.  More accurately: my lack of it.  And perhaps your lack of it too.

I come from a large family, and I’m near the bottom of the ladder, order-wise.  Not only is my immediate family large, so is my extended family.  Relatives and babies abound and pressure on me to have children has been non-existent my entire adult life.  Keeping what I’m about to say in mind, I truly feel for my older relatives who have been haggled about having children, and realize my fortune in never having these pressures.

Nothing on my side has changed.  I still have no pressure from people to have kids; the most is curious enquiries if I have considered it (I do like kids and do want them).

So why?  Well my S/O and I are the products of an LDR and now here I am in the big US of A while preparing our wedding in Canada next June.  His side is the key.

I love them. I truly do. They are kind, amazing people and I could only have picked a better family in law if it was my own (in reality though, I just extended my family so there is no competition, which is something to keep in mind!).

But I have never in my life contemplated never having children, until now.  Because now, the pressure is on.  Not some sort of daily phone call “have you made me a grandparent yet?” but I have never before experienced from family members:

• How many kids do you want?
• You have to catch up to [insert name]!
• Just wait until you have some!
• When do you think you’ll start having some?

And the list goes on. And on. Realistically, it doesn’t make me tear my hair out and I put that down to the large family and the fact that these questions are relatively new to me; as well, I knew that they would come as soon as the ring on my left finger came.

But honestly, there is nothing more off-putting of having kids as these questions are.  (Just like in previous relationship, S/O’s mother’s complaint of being too young to be a grandma yet did nothing but fuel the desire to have kids…I’ll come back to this though.)

Actually, there is something more off-putting. Holidays. Large family outings. Travel. Shopping.

Kids do not make this simple, and babies sure as hell don’t make them more enjoyable.  Especially sick ones, or ornery ones, or rambunctious-hopped-up-on-too-much-sugar ones.  Babies and children cause arguments, grief, worry and grey hairs.  I would argue with many more that these are all well worth the price for the end result, but that doesn’t mean it has to be right now.

There was a time that I was with a person and all I wanted was kids.  But what I’ve learned from that was that the relationship was not meant to be and wasn’t whole.  How so?  Because I didn’t want kids to grow a relationship with that person, but to love someone in lieu of that person.  So when we consider having babies let’s think about why.

There are many reasons I would have children sooner rather than later, and some as heart-rending as family members of mine that I know will not last on this earth much longer.  But I know this is, while not a terrible reason, not a good reason.

What I know is that with my beau I am happy, and we are complete as persons.  And I know that we want some time together before adding to that equation.  I do not think there is any going back to how things were when kids are added to the family dynamic.  So we want to spend some time here for a while.  And we don’t know how long that will be. And I imagine that is how many couples feel, but that even more don’t understand. How can you explain you still want your “me time” for a while without being called selfish?  Why do so many attack women (or men) who simply want to live in a way that fulfills them, and doesn’t involve children?

I was reading some back and forth internet banter (which truthfully spurred this) about mothers who refused to get baby-sitters. About how they couldn’t trust anyone with their baby. About how they couldn’t stand to be separated from their baby. About how they didn’t need “me time” or how they and their hubby found ways to enjoy each other’s company from home and didn’t need date nights.  And some disagreed and were lashed out on.

What this speaks to me though, is that we are too co-dependent on our babies.  I am not going to argue that you should leave your newborn with relatives to go and party for a night, but date night is important. I think in this generation of over-anxious, self-prescribing and manically depressed people, mothers can’t determine anymore whether their babies need them, or they need their babies.  After all, who gives more unconditional love than a baby?  Who makes you feel more needed, more useful, more all-important than your baby?  Why are there articles like this if we aren’t slowly becoming dependent on our children?

Because that’s how families like my ex’s are made.  And that’s how relationships tumble and that’s how husbands become resentful and that’s how the mentality that you either want kids or are vehemently opposed to having kids becomes. I personally think those who guilt-trip or shame others have a degree of jealousy about them, from either side; whether they desire children or they are out of touch with their spouse and want the spark back they lost because baby always comes first.

Perhaps I sound incredibly harsh in that paragraph above. Some mothers genuinely would rather be with their kids than anyone else. So be it. But don’t get caught in the dependency loop. Right now, my fiancé and I are cool with each other.  We’re whole and complete, and know kids are on the horizon but are also learning very rapidly what will and won’t be acceptable with our parenting style. So parents and future parents; get out of your bubble. And don’t be pressured. And don’t pressure! It either won’t work and you’ll never get kids, or it’ll work but at the wrong time.

Let life roll! Yes, life goes fast. Too fast. We need to seize the day and all that.

But even Caesar didn’t rush into battle unplanned (and he had a lot of battles).

Ladies, live how you want and do what you want.

Men and women: don’t be with someone with truly different ideals and desires; don’t compromise your own wants if it is not truly right for you. There is a difference between creating a family because you want to, and creating one because it will make someone else happy.  If they love you, they want your happiness too.

Bottom line here though: couples, do the best you can for your partner, and put them first. Put them before yourself. Put their wants before your own. If you have clashing wants then find a compromise. (I know I said above that you shouldn’t compromise but I’m talking about the finer details; I think you should find out relatively quickly whether or not one of you wants 5 mudpuppies and the other refuses to have any and go your separate ways.)

Even when you have kids, your spouse comes first.  There is a show I watch called Supernatural and in it one of the characters, who has been resurrected from death, wants to find a way to bring his daughter back as well.  Now this makes sense as she is an important character throughout the season but all I can think of each time is, how does he not want to bring his wife back instead?

Maybe some sort of revelation will dawn on me when I have a horde of my own munchkins but every successful relationship (with or without kids) I’ve seen is because the spouses put each other first.

So before we bring (and pressure others to bring) more babies into the world let’s make sure that we love ourselves, we love our partner, and we are doing so to share that love, and not to fill a void we don’t know we have. A child should never be needed, but wanted.

QOW

This quote is particularly poignant for me this week:

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

~ Anaïs Nin

I’ve come to a point where I am in a foreign country, unemployed by necessity and heavily dependent on a fiancé.

How strange is this!  There is quite a difference between a stay-at-home mother and a, for lack of better term, kept woman.  Thankfully course work gives me meaningful things to do but it is so difficult to feel useful after several years of uninterrupted independence.

This situation is only temporary but I wonder about those who experience it as their only situation.  Do they have their own aspirations or are they lulled into complacent stagnation?  Do they become comfortable and require direction as to how to live their lives or do they strive against it?

I’m obviously being a tad dramatic but to me, this is how a male dominated society lasts; dependent women being OK with their dependency.

Not that dependency is wrong.  My SO and I depend on each other because that is how a relationship works.  You rely on family for support.  The difference is whether someone is their own entity or if they are codependent.

I feel this quote can be read in different ways.

In a modern way, I affiliate it to, for instance, gold diggers and certain socialite types that climb the ladders of their male partner’s success rather than carving their own path.  To women still stuck in social/religious circles that require them to be heard less than they are seen.  The unfortunate women in extremist countries that are considered subhuman when compared to a man.

Not every woman has a safe or easy opportunity to carve her own path.  Not every woman wants this.  To those of good fortune too lazy to be their own person I am ashamed they choose to live life this way, when women in war-torn countries get shot in their face for fighting for women’s education.

Nin’s quote should speak to every woman who feels her rights and her life is worth fighting and standing up for.  And to those who don’t.

It may not be easy, but taking the path to “build the world” you want will be infinitely more rewarding.  It is “wrong” as she states for the simple fact that, no one should hide behind another nor should a man stand in the way of a woman choosing her path.

It speaks to everyone.  We just need to listen.

work hard, you must.

Life has been…overwhelming.  Exams coming up…work.  Who needs all that?

(oh, wait, me T_T)

I’d rather be writing.  Or playing XIV 😛

(I should make a shirt like that)

Even my personal journal is neglected and I’m worried I won’t be able to do Camp NaNo, again 😦

In an effort to not appear a complete lazy ass, here’s an inspirational quote!

                         

Seriously though… this Star Wars is maybe more understandable for those who don’t speak wookie:

“Do or do not. There is no try”

~Yoda

So, if you’re feeling like me, a million commitments and overwhelmed with to do lists and simply “trying”…just take one step at a time 🙂

You know the signs; nails go untended, showers are shorter (and less frequent…maybe? Just me? Ok >.>) and breakfast is…wait what’s breakfast?

But, it’ll be okay.

You’ll get it done just keep checking off that list.

You may have to put aside social life for a couple weeks >.>

But it will be worth it!  Honestly though, a status update via social media now and again will inform your peers of your busy schedule and remind them you aren’t ignoring them, if that’s something weighing you down.

We need others to take the overwhelming feelings away, to not feel alone in our efforts to muck our way through the days.

So keep them in the loop even if you can’t make a physical appearance.  It will keep them from pulling you away from your work until it’s finished and lift the weight off your mind of them having any expectations from you, socially, when you simply can’t commit the time.

It’s all about communication!

 And some closing tips:  constantly keep a notepad, some foolscap (I just like that word) or a document open on your phone or computer to write down the little ideas that come in your head so you can fulfill them when you do have the time.  This will keep you on track and less rushed, working on several things at once.  I do this frequently and it really helps.

 And if you’ve done really well, its not completely unacceptable to have an hour or two to yourself for fun, so don’t work yourself to the bone or you’ll get burned out!

Good luck!

Jusdooiiiiit!

So there’s this thing called motivation and…normally I don’t have it. I look at others and their busy lives, and myself, and my busy life, and realize that they’re still doing more than me, even though I complain so much …

Swan Song

So, I finally got around to watching the E3 FFXV trailer.

Honestly, I think I’m going to die a little waiting for it.  (That and Kingdom Hearts III.)

I have something else to say, though.  A lot of the comments on these types of videos are spouting how bad the newer games are compared to the older games.  I even have a co-worker that refuses to play any MMO versions or sequels.  He is missing out on X-2, XIII-2 and Lightning Returns, among others.

To be fair, I won’t play any of the MMO versions, and will agree with him there (although, XIV does look reaaaally tempting…). But it’s because I like my gaming experience to be private; I enjoy how the FF games make me feel, I don’t need to experience that with tons of strangers.

But going back; I would like to take the opportunity to speak about XIII for a bit.  I got around to playing the game before I moved a few weeks ago (after Oblivion was just taking too long) and in the process of moving put the game aside for a while, and have yet to pick it back up because it will utterly consume me for a while and I have to be a functional member of society for a few more days.

But why is there so much hate for this installment? Yes, it’s linear.  Yes, some of the characters (Snow) are unbearable and you mash a lot of buttons and chocobos are sorely underused and blah blah blah.  But you know, some of the other plots didn’t make much sense, even if you could go anywhere at any time.  Selphie made me want to wring her neck, and while we’re talking about VIII (which I LOVE, don’t get me wrong) you could say mashing the X button for your GF, while strangely satisfying, was horribly annoying too.  And don’t even get me started about how pithy Chocobos are except for racing horses in X.

Each game has its goods and bads and I won’t tolerate some saying an entire game shouldn’t have been made! No, XIII was not like other games, in many many ways. But, guess what though, it’s okay to be different!  They did not hurt you, they did not abuse your trust, they are not bound to make every single game perfect to your standards.  They wanted to make a new type of game and they did. They have sequels because they want to expand that world, and many of the older games would be ruined with sequels, or I bet you they would make them.  Some stories have more to tell, or are enhanced by more.

I, for one, am excited.  I’m not saying, slap the name Final Fantasy on something and I will eat it up, but I am saying if it is done well enough I am not going to stick my nose in the air and say “I played this before it was cool, and this isn’t like how it should be, so I won’t play it, and I know better than you” (because that is the sentiment I get in a lot of comments, from all over the place, about newer FF games).

Yes, each final fantasy has the appeal of being completely different; different characters and plots and worlds so direct sequels seem complete sacrilege.

But the games evolve like the players.  I was 7 when VII came out.  We didn’t have consoles when I was a kid, so in an effort to read, like I was instead advised, all I could do was dream about all the characters and plots I was introduced to through the editor’s notes in all the manga I digested throughout the years.  The first time a FF game was presented to me, I leapt on it.

This isn’t some Land Before Time crap where they REALLY should have never made any sequels, and now it’s out of control.  This is a bunch of disgruntled boys (and girls who like to show off how they’re nerdz, lolz, but should really just be themselves, nerdy or not, since they’re trying to point out how they don’t fit the standard girl stereotype, by fitting another stereotype) who are just mad that Final Fantasy Versus XIII was pushed back because of Lightning, and now the name is changed too…

I’m not going to tell SE what to do and say stop making sequels.  Maybe I’m just more sentimental than some people but I tend to fall in love with characters.  If you’re presenting me with another opportunity to be with them, then I will take it. (I mean, ladies, you don’t want to ever see Balthier again?)  Remember, Final Fantasy was originally a last ditch effort for a flailing company.  Remember that we loved VII for the story, even though Cloud’s head was about 3 pixels.  Remember that Squall and Rinoa at first were both sullen and too peppy, and hate-able, but by the end you wanted to rewatch the final FMV a bagillion times. I think we should give SE props, and let them do what they do best, and not give them so much bad flack.

Why is it only okay if it’s a spin off on another platform; why do we hate the sequels so much?

Hypnotize

So, I used to have two older blogs back in high school/beginning of university and really they were mostly a writing ground, a way to keep in touch with my friends and also the result of emotions that I was not mature enough at the time to handle properly.

In the last post I did, two long years ago, there are two comments on it.  One is spam (surprise!).  The other though, reflected on how I was already seemingly throwing in the towel on life, and at so young an age.  It made me think.  I’ve come a long way since these posts through self reflection, journals, prose, and with an incredibly patient, loving and supportive man beside me.  There were times when I really did want to just throw it all away and say “screw it” life sucks.  But things change.  To this day, I cannot forget the incredibly real emotions I felt, and I will never dismiss how horrible life was sometimes.  Even teenagers can feel adult feelings.  Sometimes bad things are not all made up in the mind.

But eventually I matured.  Eventually life got better.  I wish I could let the anonymous poster in his now mid-30’s know that I am mostly okay now (nobody will ever be truly, 100% okay, I think).

Life is a journey that is either short or long.  If mine can feel long in terms of years, I want it to feel short because I have loved and lived to the best of my ability.  I don’t want any regrets.

So to myself and others: get your ass out of bed, respect your living space, follow your passions the best you can and love what deserves to be loved wholeheartedly and without secrecy.  Believe what you want to believe and don’t let anyone else tell you how to think.  You were given a wonderful mind to think with, so formulate your own thoughts, don’t just live off of the digested claims of another.

This post was actually supposed to be about something totally different, but that post is postponed after looking at my old blog and being so moved.  Hopefully that doesn’t disappoint too many people.  It’s nice to speak from the heart every once in a while.

(Oh, and I still like to listen to System of a Down.)

Mhysa

Quick post this morning to prove to myself I haven’t totally forgotten all about this blog.

We just moved in to a loft apartment, yay!  It’s beautiful and fantastic and wonderful.  Boy starts pretty early for work at his new job, so I wake up early too.  This will hopefully give me the motivation to write more.  I remember reading a memoir by Steven King, and one of the things that hit most was that he would wake up super early, take out his Mac to the sunlit porch area, and write for a few hours.  Writing every day was essential.

He also advised writing something and putting it away for a few months before editing, even a year.  So when the boy says to me, “you can just pop out a couple books a year, eh?” I laugh a bit.

Anyways, this apartment has the atmosphere I crave; wood, medium lighting, rich colours, big windows, and that cozy, welcoming feel I’ve long missed. I will post a picture when everything is unpacked and in its place.

A few things on the to do list; reread the Song of Ice and Fire series since season three is over (*bawl*), find out everything that happened at E3 since I go to bed super early now and don’t have cable, and finally get everything organized on my own terms, now that I have my own space.  Life is finally starting to get exciting.

Also, one bitch rant: it is freaking ridiculous trying to play WiiU with nunchucks.  I spent half an hour Saturday trying to get Link to jump across some stupid rocks without falling and almost broke the Wiimotes….  Does anyone else have this problem or am I just…a little handicapped?

On a Rainy Sunday

So, I am sitting here on a Sunday afternoon debating if I want to power through the rest of Pirate Latitudes (Michael Crichton’s last *tear* book published posthumously) or say screw it all and try and level my night elf on WOW or if I should try and figure out the best route through Gran Pulse in FFXIII without dying a bazillion times.

Of course, there are also the practical options, like cleaning…laundry….or in general getting off the Internet. (But then you would have nothing to read! Oh noes!)

To be honest, I LOVE warm, rainy, spring weekends.  There is nothing better than curling up and or getting things done.  They are really calming to a person like me. That is why it is so hard to decide what to do.

What I really need to do though, is what I am most fervently avoiding until tomorrow, and that is hardcore studying for my exams at the end of next week.

I’ve realized something though.  I can study a lot, and I can retain most of the information, but what the better question is, is do I understand the information?  I can use a formula type rubric, say this fits under heading A, this is under heading B, and then dissect, dissect, dissect to explain what something means using terms and concepts of rhetoric…but does that mean I actually understand?

I am obviously not trying to imply that I am stupid.  But what I am trying to say is that in today’s world, to maximize profit and prestige and graduation rates, University kids are just thrown information, have terms and concepts thrown down their throats, and then sent on their merry way without having been actually told what to do. No one can take the time to explain the massive amounts of information given to us–it takes enough time just to spit out the definitions and an example.

Maybe I am complaining too much?  Maybe their goal is to encourage us to use our powers of deduction and fill in the blanks.  I just think it’s a bit too much to be left to chance.

Here’s my point: This weekend (yesterday) I went to a local festival held every year.  I met up with some old friends/kids I nannied and mentioned that I am getting into publishing, once I have my English degree and the Publishing certificate.

Well, the particular kid I was talking to got very excited, and proceeded to tell me about many friends of his who have written their own material, and I should help them edit it, and so on and so forth.  This of course puffed my chest a bit but there is a problem.

Now, grammar whiz that I am I can already do a fairly good editing job as it is.  Editing, I think, is sort of learned through absorption.  Through reading works you understand the structure of language and dialogue and plots that are sought after.  Grammar teaches you how sentences work and where to put a comma and that the semi-colon is the single greatest punctuation mark ever.  (Followed closely by a sarcastic second place, the interrobang.)

However, I am not actually educationally qualified to legitimately edit novels.  Obviously this was not a professional project, but, how well are people going to think of your editing skills if you don’t have a piece of paper backing it up?  That damn piece of paper….

So frustrating! I mean, I wrote a novella, and it was relatively crappy because I was young and too romantic and I rushed the plot and many other reasons.  If I went back and edited it, I could turn it into something decent, and not because of school but because I am simply older and more mature and have a better grasp on this stuff.  The things I currently write are much better because of experience.  Not necessarily school, and not a slip of paper.

I am pining for the day I graduate, simply for that piece of paper.  I am trying my hardest to understand these concepts and terms and how to apply them, because I want to apply them.  I ardently daydream about writing novels, or editing novels, or seeing them put on the shelf, or all three.

But I won’t give up in between.  I will still write everyday, read everyday and revise everyday to know that I personally feel up to the task.  I will give in and study tomorrow and everyday until my exams, but I won’t forget to do what I actually enjoy in the mean time.  School can kill passion; I won’t let that happen.

So excuse me while I read my Crichton novel, then clean a little house and do a little gaming before settling down to the books.

I need a job.

Well, except for exams, I am done this semester.

Time to start looking for a part time job.

I was supposed to start a job tomorrow, but the employer flaked on me.  Well, better before I start the job than halfway through, eh?

I’ve decided I need to build my writing portfolio.  After all, what I want to do is write.  But, how?  What are employers looking for in a writer?  I see so many advertisements that need writers for their company, and they want examples of writing.  Well, what counts?  I have 15 years worth of writing, from the stories I wrote as a child to the essay on discourse I handed in last week.

Does it count enough that I feel I’m kick ass, a master weaver of words, a dictionary-o-phile, and I can make anything interesting enough to read?  (irony if someone finds this post uninteresting…at least you may find humour.)

Help?  How does a girl with a natural inclination to this field make it in a world full of educationally more qualified, less passionate people?  How do I prove this?

I’m lost and I haven’t even started yet.