A quick disclaimer: this is not a mommy blog. Nor is it a single ladies empowerment blog, or an anything blog, really. I imagine this is because I’m horribly uncreative and have issues with sticking with things (like a blog theme) for any specific amount of time.
If it had any theme it could probably be boiled down to “random thoughts upon the observances of shifting culture and everyday life” which sounds both much more long winded yet paradoxically concise than “I’m just posting what I feel like for the hell of it”.
(Hopefully that was the correct use of the word paradox; I always use it but never seem to be able to use it correctly, though I think I am…you’d think I’d know given the whole English degree thing.)
Regardless what these ramblings are about or not about, today we discuss motherhood. More accurately: my lack of it. And perhaps your lack of it too.
I come from a large family, and I’m near the bottom of the ladder, order-wise. Not only is my immediate family large, so is my extended family. Relatives and babies abound and pressure on me to have children has been non-existent my entire adult life. Keeping what I’m about to say in mind, I truly feel for my older relatives who have been haggled about having children, and realize my fortune in never having these pressures.
Nothing on my side has changed. I still have no pressure from people to have kids; the most is curious enquiries if I have considered it (I do like kids and do want them).
So why? Well my S/O and I are the products of an LDR and now here I am in the big US of A while preparing our wedding in Canada next June. His side is the key.
I love them. I truly do. They are kind, amazing people and I could only have picked a better family in law if it was my own (in reality though, I just extended my family so there is no competition, which is something to keep in mind!).
But I have never in my life contemplated never having children, until now. Because now, the pressure is on. Not some sort of daily phone call “have you made me a grandparent yet?” but I have never before experienced from family members:
- How many kids do you want?
- You have to catch up to [insert name]!
- Just wait until you have some!
- When do you think you’ll start having some?
And the list goes on. And on. Realistically, it doesn’t make me tear my hair out and I put that down to the large family and the fact that these questions are relatively new to me; as well, I knew that they would come as soon as the ring on my left finger came.
But honestly, there is nothing more off-putting of having kids as these questions are. (Just like in previous relationship, S/O’s mother’s complaint of being too young to be a grandma yet did nothing but fuel the desire to have kids…I’ll come back to this though.)
Actually, there is something more off-putting. Holidays. Large family outings. Travel. Shopping.
Kids do not make this simple, and babies sure as hell don’t make them more enjoyable. Especially sick ones, or ornery ones, or rambunctious-hopped-up-on-too-much-sugar ones. Babies and children cause arguments, grief, worry and grey hairs. I would argue with many more that these are all well worth the price for the end result, but that doesn’t mean it has to be right now.
There was a time that I was with a person and all I wanted was kids. But what I’ve learned from that was that the relationship was not meant to be and wasn’t whole. How so? Because I didn’t want kids to grow a relationship with that person, but to love someone in lieu of that person. So when we consider having babies let’s think about why.
There are many reasons I would have children sooner rather than later, and some as heart-rending as family members of mine that I know will not last on this earth much longer. But I know this is, while not a terrible reason, not a good reason.
What I know is that with my beau I am happy, and we are complete as persons. And I know that we want some time together before adding to that equation. I do not think there is any going back to how things were when kids are added to the family dynamic. So we want to spend some time here for a while. And we don’t know how long that will be. And I imagine that is how many couples feel, but that even more don’t understand. How can you explain you still want your “me time” for a while without being called selfish? Why do so many attack women (or men) who simply want to live in a way that fulfills them, and doesn’t involve children?
I was reading some back and forth internet banter (which truthfully spurred this) about mothers who refused to get baby-sitters. About how they couldn’t trust anyone with their baby. About how they couldn’t stand to be separated from their baby. About how they didn’t need “me time” or how they and their hubby found ways to enjoy each other’s company from home and didn’t need date nights. And some disagreed and were lashed out on.
What this speaks to me though, is that we are too co-dependent on our babies. I am not going to argue that you should leave your newborn with relatives to go and party for a night, but date night is important. I think in this generation of over-anxious, self-prescribing and manically depressed people, mothers can’t determine anymore whether their babies need them, or they need their babies. After all, who gives more unconditional love than a baby? Who makes you feel more needed, more useful, more all-important than your baby? Why are there articles like this if we aren’t slowly becoming dependent on our children?
Because that’s how families like my ex’s are made. And that’s how relationships tumble and that’s how husbands become resentful and that’s how the mentality that you either want kids or are vehemently opposed to having kids becomes. I personally think those who guilt-trip or shame others have a degree of jealousy about them, from either side; whether they desire children or they are out of touch with their spouse and want the spark back they lost because baby always comes first.
Perhaps I sound incredibly harsh in that paragraph above. Some mothers genuinely would rather be with their kids than anyone else. So be it. But don’t get caught in the dependency loop. Right now, my fiancé and I are cool with each other. We’re whole and complete, and know kids are on the horizon but are also learning very rapidly what will and won’t be acceptable with our parenting style. So parents and future parents; get out of your bubble. And don’t be pressured. And don’t pressure! It either won’t work and you’ll never get kids, or it’ll work but at the wrong time.
Let life roll! Yes, life goes fast. Too fast. We need to seize the day and all that.
But even Caesar didn’t rush into battle unplanned (and he had a lot of battles).
Ladies, live how you want and do what you want.
Men and women: don’t be with someone with truly different ideals and desires; don’t compromise your own wants if it is not truly right for you. There is a difference between creating a family because you want to, and creating one because it will make someone else happy. If they love you, they want your happiness too.
Bottom line here though: couples, do the best you can for your partner, and put them first. Put them before yourself. Put their wants before your own. If you have clashing wants then find a compromise. (I know I said above that you shouldn’t compromise but I’m talking about the finer details; I think you should find out relatively quickly whether or not one of you wants 5 mudpuppies and the other refuses to have any and go your separate ways.)
Even when you have kids, your spouse comes first. There is a show I watch called Supernatural and in it one of the characters, who has been resurrected from death, wants to find a way to bring his daughter back as well. Now this makes sense as she is an important character throughout the season but all I can think of each time is, how does he not want to bring his wife back instead?
Maybe some sort of revelation will dawn on me when I have a horde of my own munchkins but every successful relationship (with or without kids) I’ve seen is because the spouses put each other first.
So before we bring (and pressure others to bring) more babies into the world let’s make sure that we love ourselves, we love our partner, and we are doing so to share that love, and not to fill a void we don’t know we have. A child should never be needed, but wanted.
Princess Gloss 